When I was in fourth grade, everyday after school I came home to an empty house. I had about an hour and a half to myself. Everyday at 4 o’clock I would put Oprah on. I loved the stories. I’m not even sure what I loved about it so much or how I ended up choosing that over cartoons – maybe the cartoons ended? No Netflix back then.
Over the months and years, I took away so much from that show. My first memory is of Gary Zukav and his book “The Seat Of The Soul“. This book shaped the way I would see the world and my life forever.
Gary’s book, and now my beliefs, explained that to have a life filled with meaning and purpose we must connect with your soul’s purpose and trust that message. I had a deep knowing and understanding that my life had meaning. That I was here for a reason and it was my job to fulfill that destiny.
I learned that being connected to your intuition could have profound effects on the direction of your life.
And that only through your connection with your own soul could you be authentically inspired. I learned how important it is to be intentional in your thoughts, words, and actions and concious that every choice has an intention.
I felt like if I learned how I could steer the boat of my life or at least allow my highest self to guide me in my highest purpose. I was very connected with what I wanted and what felt right and I felt no explanation.
That summer, I decided I wanted – no needed – to go to Space Camp. I intended to go and there was no one that was going to stop me. I just had to raise the money and figure out the logistics. As I waxed my step-dads car into the dark of night, the hard work spurred me on because I knew I was fulfilling my souls work.
Luckily my step-dad paid me based on effort and not quality of work. Yikes! Over the summer I raised all the money I needed. Space Camp lived up to the hype.
I now had a profound experience to go along with my powerful intentions.
My determination only grew over the years. I changed high schools my senior year because it just felt right. I went to Spain my junior year of college and intended to stay the whole year even though I didn’t speak a word of spanish when I landed.
As my mom and I perused the luggage section of Boston Store – anyone remember that store? – I found the perfect set, a sophisticated, sturdy, fabric-sided, black Samsonite set. The luggage had a new technology that allowed you to push the pieces as well as pull. The two largest pieces strapped together so I could carry everything myself through the airport. And it was on a super discount with six-months free financing.
The universe was pushing me out the door on this adventure.
I had no business gallivanting around Europe without a penny to my name – shoe-string budget was an understatement. And nothing matter to me but the fact that this was part of my soul’s purpose. I was meant to do this and I knew it in my bones. It was essential to who I was becoming and, struggle or not, it would be worth it.
That year, as I wandering the strange streets of foreign lands, I felt more at home in myself than ever.
The same sort of knowing and determination overcame me as it came time to decide what to do after college. Despite the dot com industry blowing up in San Francisco, people losing their jobs left and right and me with no logical reason to go there – I just had to go.
I had no idea HOW I would do any of these things when I started out. That wasn’t my job – the how. My job was the what. To follow my heart and intuition to do what I was inspired to do in that moment. The rest would work itself out. Right?
A lot has happened between that red-eye flight into SFO and today. A lot has gone incredibly well and the universe ‘proved’ over and over again I had followed my highest purpose. But somewhere along the way I started to dismiss my intuition and started to trust in someone else’s words instead of my own gut feelings. I took a detour from my path. And it has been brutal.
Most jarring for me to realize now is the slow dissolving of my own passion.
Last week, I came across a compilation of speeches Oprah has given about her life and beliefs. And as she reflected on her life and what has driven and inspired her decisions I realized I once had that. That deep, steadfast belief in my own ability and desire to make a contribution to the world. Where had it gone?
In that moment, I felt it return. Yes, I have that! I want to live my life with purpose and passion.
I am living my life with purpose and passion.
I knew I wasn’t only on a new adventure rebuilding my life but I was returning home to a place I had been and loved.
At first, I felt sad and disappointed that I had lost that place. Oh, how my life would be different if I hadn’t let go of that intuitive connection. Then I felt grateful. Not that I got lost, but that I had found my way and didn’t ever have to be lost again. And that’s all that matters.
I hear it so often in women after divorce, the feeling of being lost and not even knowing who you are. And that is OK. Stay open. Remember those times that you knew yourself and you listened.